i’ve lost my mind
don’t come too close
or i’ll lose yours too

i knew a bloke once
had one of those conjoined twins
hanging off his side
problem is
when he went into surgery
they removed the wrong twin

i have done a thing
both blasphemous and wrong
and

here it is for all (two) of you to enjoy:

http://johnandtom.tumblr.com

isn’t it just the best thing
when you’re having a conversation with someone
and they’re very intelligent
you’re agreeing with them
then they say
in all seriousness
something like
‘i’m a druid’

why
do people say things like
‘oh, isn’t it awful!’
when it’s just a bit rainy?
it’s not really that bad.
awful weather would be,
for instance:
complete darkness
giant wasps
and offal falling from the sky

more people die
by bee stings
than shark bites
but bees
generally
pose no danger
when you’re swimming

has anyone else noticed
all the angry simians
attacking people lately?
i know. it’s quite funny.
but
maybe we should be wary.
i think it’s finally time
to grant monkeys
‘human’ status

a petition will be circulated shortly.

i haven’t read
your favourite book
but
i read his other one
didn’t like it
but that’s okay
you don’t like my favourite band
(you told me in a conversation we had)
but that’s okay
you don’t know i like them

when i was little
i’d watch tv
and mum would say
(fearing my brain would rot
(and then fall from my ears and onto the carpet in a cascade of horror))
‘why don’t you go and climb a tree?’
but why would i climb a tree?
what does one do in a tree?
i could use my imagination
and say
to passers by:
‘i’m hiding fwom the spanish inqwisishin!’
and no-one would join me
or share my delusion

everything is always
spelt right
and
correctly punctuated
when i write you
a text message