when i was little
i’d watch tv
and mum would say
(fearing my brain would rot
(and then fall from my ears and onto the carpet in a cascade of horror))
‘why don’t you go and climb a tree?’
but why would i climb a tree?
what does one do in a tree?
i could use my imagination
and say
to passers by:
‘i’m hiding fwom the spanish inqwisishin!’
and no-one would join me
or share my delusion

i haven’t read
your favourite book
but
i read his other one
didn’t like it
but that’s okay
you don’t like my favourite band
(you told me in a conversation we had)
but that’s okay
you don’t know i like them

has anyone else noticed
all the angry simians
attacking people lately?
i know. it’s quite funny.
but
maybe we should be wary.
i think it’s finally time
to grant monkeys
‘human’ status

a petition will be circulated shortly.

more people die
by bee stings
than shark bites
but bees
generally
pose no danger
when you’re swimming

why
do people say things like
‘oh, isn’t it awful!’
when it’s just a bit rainy?
it’s not really that bad.
awful weather would be,
for instance:
complete darkness
giant wasps
and offal falling from the sky

isn’t it just the best thing
when you’re having a conversation with someone
and they’re very intelligent
you’re agreeing with them
then they say
in all seriousness
something like
‘i’m a druid’

i have done a thing
both blasphemous and wrong
and

here it is for all (two) of you to enjoy:
http://johnandtom.tumblr.com

i knew a bloke once
had one of those conjoined twins
hanging off his side
problem is
when he went into surgery
they removed the wrong twin

i’ve lost my mind
don’t come too close
or i’ll lose yours too

i pity anyone
who walks towards
automatic doors
and doesn’t imagine
just for a second
that they’re a jedi